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This is the only voice I have. |
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⢠Saturday, September 09, 2006 ⢠GOODBYE, MY LOVER How good it is if there is a mental-recorder that could jot down each running thought through my mind, and that would save me the hassles of letting my fingers do the talking. I have too many things up on my head these days, and trying to express them into words is becoming a dreadful event. This post, was drafted after 1st goodbye(?) was said. Then again, when was the "1st goodbye"? It was actually... some time back. It didn't take place. So we did say our goodbyes finally on 23rd August. And yet, it took another more conclusive one on Tuesday, to not only say goodbye to the relationship, but, also, to a friendship. It does have more to add on, definitely, because I had prized the friendship more dearly. Last year, this day, I took a bold move, to face the world which I had hid away from. You may not remember, but I had chosen that day, to finally stop warping my pictures. And today, this blog shall be the witness of yet another.... milestone of my life. *** I used to dissect most parts of my life with words, accounting each event, some minute, some major, to journal the process, or perhaps, to perform the last rites to their conclusions. I am not sure if the post-mortem of the recent goodbye is an absolute necessary. Perhaps the cleverer way, would be stashing the words away, and summarised it with just a few simple, concise sentences without further elaborating. And with a snap of finger, the next thought to mind upon its demise, would be the replacement of a simpler thought, say, 'What should I do on a Saturday night?', without a need to dwell on. Yeap, it is indeed a cleverer way. And a relief too, for some. Perhaps, that is why, this post is a difficult birth. And maybe, a little cold. I snapped my fingers too many a times during the drafting of this, refusing any thoughts to trickle out. I mean, yes, words are expected out of me, but in no way would I want it to be mistaken to be an overdose of emotions, you see. And in the process, minding too much what would people perceive, how would people take it, would it be intepreted the wrong way, knowing who are reading, the self-censorship takes over and you just feel there isn't a need to write. Sometimes, brutal honesty drives people further away. But now, it wouldn't make any difference, would it? Seriously, I would rather you, yes, you, SBB, not read this. Because the last thing I want to, is to start looking like a fool in the pouring rain, with you looking on with indifference under the umbrella. *** I thought it was a pretty little irony. The first time I listened to the song attentively, was... on my birthday. That was a sweet one. After we had stepped into the hallway, he whipped out a colourful package, and I laughed at how gay the rainbow wrapping paper had looked.  He had wanted to wrap it in 25 pieces of brown paper, but had underestimated how much paper he had, and thus, I had only had to struggle with only 10 layers of wrapping... before I reached the core of my surprise.I thought the scribblings on 3 particular pieces of the wrappings were awfully adorable with his adolescent-style handwriting. And then... there was it:  Apparently, he had thought I was always misplacing my keys, and thought a wallet with a key-compartment would be ideal for the muddle-head.I beamed widely as I thought it was really thoughtful, as much as I know how unthoughtful and insincere he could get when getting gifts for people and yet he could always pass it off as if he had spent a great deal of effort put in. Laughs, that's his gift, I guess. I threw my arms around him for a big thank-you, and eagerly dangled my house key onto one of the hooks. I was happy. In my hall, he busied himself with his work, as I sat by his side, reaching out for the occasional snuggle and cuddle when I was vying for some affections and attention with his work.  He had whined slightly earlier that he was feeling hungry, and gave me the doe-eyed puppy look so the birthday girl would get her ass off the couch to cook instant mee goreng for him. After some silly jostling, and silly phototaking, Famous Amos munching, the song came on. He later sent the song, together with Gary Jules' Mad World to me, though I was only aware of Mad World only recently when I heard it on CSI. I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. I didn't actually realise he had sent it(Mad World) to me back then, though he had sent me again after reading it on my blog recently, until I saw it in my history just now. And yes, back to that song.... I understand how many people would have already used it with its overexposure on the airwaves. But it was something I had meant to blog about since... March, before anything snowballed, but I guess it is time. For the song, had summed up everything, long before the end. *** *** Did I disappoint you or let you down? Right.... I guess I did. You know that there isn't one thing I wouldn't say no to you to... yet the ultimate betrayal(?) came when I couldn't give in to you, that one time. Just this once. I am not sure if I had disappointed you greatly, or that you would feel let down by me. One recent Thursday when we had met up in town, we parted our ways right opposite Far East. Strangely, that was the exact spot that brought back much of the memories of my older days of inner struggles. That lingering hug, was tight. I held on, suddenly feeling afraid. Not sure if it was the place. Not sure if it was that particular moment. As if, something was going to happen. The very instance, the very word that I wanted to say but never came out, was, 'I'm sorry.' I turned my head, and I started tearing. You didn't know, do you? That felt... like goodbye. For good. And I knew it was. Guilt. For so many reasons. Yes, I do even feel guilt to put you through such inconveniences and agony for whatever decisions I chose. Isn't that funny. And yes, you might not know how guilt has plagued me for so, so long. Right from the start. Constantly. Always. And that guilt, eats away part of me everytime, chewing on the bare leftovers of my esteem. I am not a good person, I condemned, right from the beginning. And slowly, there wasn't any turning back. Yet, we had never expected how things would get out of hands as we slipped into the comfort zone we should never venture into. The guilt grew. Multiplied. And oh, how the judges would frown. For this decision, and more. As I face the consequences and backlash of what is to come. And who can forget the hideous truth that hides beneath, that already drew sneers from the judges who had already passed their verdicts? Many, many judges out there. And it shall be an endless trial. I should have known. Correction. Haven't I already knew? I am not a good person. And that's why, I wish to believe you are. At least, one of us is. *** 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, My birthday.. He was sitting at the edge of the couch, leaning forward, looking intently at his work. The song that came on, quietened us. The introduction was of ivories, weighted heavily down. One, that is laced with hesitancy. (It must be some mockery or something. As I am typing this... the familiar tune of the introduction now plays.) He threw his back onto the couch, a break from his work. "I like this song.." he casually said. Suddenly, there was only silence, except for the haunting melody. He pulled me close, propped my head on his shoulders, our arms entwined round each other. We stayed that way for the longest time, as each, single word of the song bit into us. And yes, weren't we already aware how this would someday come to an end? I gave it three weeks. But it took another step, and another, and another, and before we knew it, 13 fabulous months had passed. It wasn't just an usual cuddle, we clung on tight as each sentence of the song prevails. I laid there, listening, and we both knew that this is a sure prophecy of what is to come. Just that we didn't how the rest of the song, would fulfill a prophecy he wished would never take place. It was a bittersweet moment as we sat through the entire song. It was quaintly beautiful, and yet ironically sad. It would definitely come to a halt. Enjoy the ride, we had always said. The affair would end, but I guess the sad part, and the unexpected part was the conclusion of a friendship. It was beautiful throughout, definitely. How it begun, remains a mystery. Was it just another successful mind game of yours? I know not of. But I should have smelled trouble right when we slipped into the comfort zone before it was sparked off. I knew, it shouldn't head down that way, and I brushed off any suggestion that it would lead to something. And yet, I didn't know better, did I? Was there mind games on my part? I don't know. I only know that I had wanted to get into an unknown world of your inner self. Maybe I was curious, maybe I was intrigued. Maybe I thought you needed a friend.. to touch that softer side of you. Collecting wounded puppies is what I do, I laughed. You are a nice person, I thought. I would have thought you needed a friend, a companion. But I might have overlooked the fact that, you needed a toy. I wanted to take your soul out into the night.... for a slow waltz under the moonlight. *** It may be over but it won't stop there, Many a times, we have deluded ourselves into thinking that 'no strings attached' isn't really mission impossible. How many times have we reminded ourselves that? And we knew right from the start, by laying down the ground rules. How naive were we? We were 2 lonely souls who were looking for directions at that phase of our lives.. and our paths crossed unexpectedly. 13 months is not long... but it is definitely not short either. Long enough to intertwine parts of our lives together, leaving traces, trails, bits and pieces of each other here and there. And there, will always be a cause, and effect. Cast the bullocks theory of no-strings attached aside, I saw a row of dominoes stacked prettily alongside each other, and the chain effect that follows when one of it collapses onto the other. Like you said, we crossed paths.. to me, we were not sure where we were heading, and as we figured our next destination in our lives, we walked down the road together, laughing and talking along the way, speaking of the joys and frustrations we had encountered in our previous passages. It came to a point that I need to take that turn to the next stop of my life, and you, to enjoy the walk, and to figure out where you need to head to next. Two ships, heading towards different directions, moving on, you said. I would like to say you still have a friend in me. I remember the classic line you always used on your You always maintain how you believe in staying as friends, don't you? In the first place, you had never wanted a friendship with anyone, do you? Why would you be afraid of jeopardising the friendship when you already plan to withdraw yourself away from the friendship right from the beginning? You said you would be cool.. since you were the one who laid down the rules. Truth is, you are never the cool one, but always the one, who is afraid. Perhaps, the only thing that you do care, is that they might make things turn ugly. And of course, that brings back the entire point. It is all about you, not that you are afraid of hurting anyone else. "I don't like collecting acquaintances." I said dryly, when you insisted that you would still call once in a while, simply because you wanted to know how I would be coping and doing. Truth is, I really don't. Does it make you feel better and alleviate that guilt in you, just for you to do what you want to do, so you would feel better that at least you have 'done your part'? I wish I could be like you, retracting back each and every ounce of 'care' for people as and when I want to. Sadly, as much as I would like to shake you off my life, like how you would love me to vanish from yours, I have to acknowledge the fact that I have to leave with whatever traces you had left me with, before you walked out of my life, hoping I would stay out of yours too. And it won't just stop there. In the end, it was nothing. Not even a real friendship for that 13 months, and it's... disappointing. *** You touched my heart, you touched my soul, Yes... you did. I guess I allowed the wrong person into my comfort zone. And yah, laughs, I guess you did change my goals in life in a way. But, it was beautiful to share your dreams, with you sharing mine. Thank you. I guess that is something I would remember for a long while. "Who am I to you?" I asked. "A friend.. someone who understood." But you don't need friends, do you? Or maybe, just one of the random many. You posed the question back to me. "A friend. A lover. Someone special.. I guess." You could have meant so much more, but not that you have genuine interest in that. I could only take comfort that, you thought I understood. That smell of yours... still lingers. Still haunts. And yes, I know you well. I know you are selfish because you are afraid of getting hurt, but I didn't think it is a valid excuse. Because your vision only allows you to see your own hurt.... when you are doing damages to everyone else around you. The bottomline, is still you. *** Goodbye my lover, The song played on as we cuddled close. The chorus came on with James Blunt's vocals in full zest. I felt him gathering me tighter into his bosom, as he clawed his fingers into me with each tightening grasp. I moved in closer, and dwelled deeper. It was a weird feeling... tinged by a sense of melancholy sweetness. And now, it is finally goodbye. Not only to a lover. But to a friend. Thank you. I can't say it enough, that you have been there for me for the most life-changing part of my life. From the day I ventured out of my comfort zone, to the day I started to find myself within, to the day I opened up myself, to the day I acknowledged the sensuality within, to the day I plunged myself into the big, bad corporate world.... To... today. And beyond. *** I am a dreamer but when I wake, Yes, I am always the dreamer. I could have painted words that seem to put you on the pedestral whilst you look on, soundless, in silence. Does it give you a sense of victory, as if someone has put in more than you did.... as you smirk in the darkness that you have once again won? And you could put it that 'girls are emotional... and well they should have known from the start that it is a no-strings attached affair.' I guess you fail to see the point. You failed to see... from all the past examples. And when emotions set in, you might have thought they are what you think they are, but you can't be more wrong. Because you fail to see beyond. Not that people had expected more from you, or that they were hoping that you would be that fairytale prince, and that you have left them disappointed. Maybe to you, you thought that is the only reason why they, me inclusive, are affected, right? You couldn't be more wrong. Really. This is a real world, and princes don't exist. If they do, you definitely won't be one... something we all know from the start, no? ***
I once said that I know how you can move on without looking back, and it wouldn't be difficult for you to do so. I know how many of the things said here may sound as if I am angry or that I am ranting with lingering bad feelings. Oddly, I don't feel anything negative towards you.. I just feel some kind of sadness for you that you might take a long while to learn many other things... But I will not deny that, indeed, like you said, it has been nice, very nice. I was happy, in a way I hadn't been in a long while. Though on hindsight, it might not have worth all the things I have to go through eventually, but it was good. I didn't know I was capable of being happy and comfortable with someone, and thanks for showing me that. I will move on, and remember much of all we used to be. We learnt, from each other. I did learn quite a bit of myself through you, and it wasn't entirely sexual. I did try to leave you bits and pieces of tidbits, hoping you would one day see that there is nothing much to be afraid of life. That you don't have to always mask yourself behind that selfishness. And that you may one day give in to the other conflicting side of yours, the much more lovelier side. One day, you might look back, and see some things in whole new perspective. It would be nice though, for you to remember the beauty of it, sparing me that little corner of thoughts. But I would not expect you to do so... because it is just nothing to you, isn't it? *** I've seen you cry I've seen you smile. Out of the above, I'm most contended seeing your emotions, and watching you sleep, when you are most like a baby. And ha, how would we know, as we snuggled upclose whilst listening to the song on my birthday that it gave a glimpse of what was to come just a few days later, on the 13th March. "I am sorry that I decide to keep the baby.." I muttered on the day we said our goodbyes when I was at work.. 23rd August. "I am sorry too. I am sorry that you decide to keep the baby too." That is one thing, you don't have to feel sorry towards me. I know you are afraid. It is already in the script that this day would come. You have outstayed the length I had expected you to, really. As much as you were afraid, you had given me quite a great deal of comfort throughout for the months you had stuck around, though it was evident that it created a strain that was on the friendship.. or relationship we were having. And I am sorry that you want nothing to do with her, and that because of her, there is no way that we could remain as friends. It is kinda funny, it is kinda sad, that it is on that last phone call that we had, yes the one for 5 hours, that we could finally talk candidly about her, freely. Yes, I am sorry that I couldn't give in to this one request you ask of me. I did try, and I had wanted to try. And as we come to the end of the road... and how I know you would move on well, I guess all I can say is, I have no regrets, and even more so now. Would there really be a man who would take care of me and would come along and appreciate me for who I am? Like the sincere wishes you had for me? And yes, that is still the biggest mockery of all, because it was already something I believe not in since the day I decided to take the plunge and face the social stigma. I am not a nice person, and there is barely anything about me that anyone would ever appreciate. Yet, I hope she will be the nice person I never was. *** Goodbye, should have came, on that very day he was away. I plotted my escape. That should have been goodbye. But I didn't bear to leave. I hadn't enjoyed my fair share of fun, perhaps? Hurhur. Yet, I didn't walk away as much as I had wanted to... I bought time. Until I was ready to lose him. A month passed, and I finally did it. It should have been goodbye, but he held me tight, giving me the comfort which I had needed for the longest time. And I was able to liberate myself for one of the most intimate sessions I ever had with him, because I could finally drop the load off my head. It brought on another emotional week, before I plotted yet another goodbye. It was meant to be the last... and final one. Because... that week, could have been the day I kill the little one. It was on a Wednesday when we met for coffee at Miss Clarity, and he insisted that he would go to the hospital with me. He was nice. Very nice. Very assuring. I held back my tears as I sent him off, giving him the squeeze of my life, before I walked away... aimlessly into the night. Little did he know that an email was sent to him shortly before I left the office. I backed out. And he should be angry. And he should be losing his mind. And he should be dragging me by the hair... I walked for the longest time before fatigue got to me, and I boarded the cab to East Coast. I lost myself in the darkness, afraid of what was ahead of me. I refused any calls from him for the entire night. I knew he was panicking. Not for me, but for what I was going to do - potentially ruining his life. He managed to track me down when I was back in office the next day over MSN. He wormed his way through the situation and promised we would put off the issue... He surprised me by sticking around, simply because he 'wasn't done' with me yet. I knew, or I had assumed, he still wanted to be a friend. And as months passed, I know, that he would grow afraid. And now... we sailed on as we carried on our individual journey in the wide sea, not knowing where it would bring us. And I still hold your hand in mine.Verdict: 46 Found Her Guilty + Scarlett Ting flirted wantonly @ 11:35 PM |
